i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively