do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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