The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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