Can i not drive my cunt home
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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