The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
