We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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