Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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