could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
