Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
