sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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