I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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