I will die if light touches me.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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