Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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