Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
