so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
