I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
