now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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