i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
