i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
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i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
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I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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