gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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