This is not my ceiling
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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