I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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