yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
