if i can run in heels then i can drive
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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