I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
