I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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