I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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