Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
The feeling are messing with the penis
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
