There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
