my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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