MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
