I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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