I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
This house was built for laser tag.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
