I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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