I wish I could punch you in the face.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
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