you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
