just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
