I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize