OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
My feet surprised me
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
