The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
