dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
