so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
