you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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