Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.