I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow