wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.