Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
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it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
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totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.