so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
you will always have a special place in my vag
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
