I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
