Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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