ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
