i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
time to smoke my breakfast
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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