We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
