This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
