you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
